Trader Joe's Black Bean & Cheese Taquitos

Back in 2015, I reviewed a similar product, though it included the word "handcrafted" in the name. In 2017, I added a note saying that I had tried them again, and liked them more than I had described the first time. Apparently that product disappeared and has now been replaced by this one. See the company's introduction to it here.

It is a turn for the worse. These are, frankly, terrible. They have been thoroughly trashed by the Trader Joe's Blandification Committee. There is zero evidence of cheese, other than the package's claims; it can be neither seen nor tasted. The filling is just a mushy black-bean paste, a substantial portion of which oozes out when they're heated.


Will I buy it again? 

No. Trader Joe's has replaced a good product with a bad one, and it's incomprehensible to me. Nina shared these taquitos with me, and agrees.

Trader Joe's Lightly Breaded Fish Sticks--Reduced Fat

This is the third post in a row featuring new (or at least new to us) items that Nina served me at a recent dinner at her house.

After trying some of these, I suggested that a more accurate product name would be "Vaguely Fish-Flavored Breaded Protein Sticks." They have clearly been run through the full thrashings of the Trader Joe's Blandification Committee.


Will I buy it again? 

No. But that's not saying much, because I never buy fish, except for canned tuna. I didn't mind eating these, but that was mostly because the breading was kinda nice, not because of what was inside.

Trader Joe's Organic Thai-Style Carrot & Sweet Potato Soup

I was looking for a Thanksgiving side dish that would be some sort of unusual twist on the traditional holiday fare. When I noticed this, it seemed like exactly the thing. Carrots and sweet potatoes, but "Thai-style"--perfect!

Well, it's a fine idea, but poorly executed. As Nina noted, there's nothing distinctly Thai about it. Which is kind of surprising, after realizing that the list of ingredients seems to hit all the right notes: coconut milk, onions, red curry paste, chili peppers, red bell peppers, lemongrass powder, turmeric, lime juice, ginger, etc. But it all somehow gets badly muted and ends up just conveying a vague sense of mild spiciness.

It's not bad. We both ate our share, and I finished up the rest with lunch a few days later. But it feels like a letdown, as if a really creative idea had been ruined somewhere between conception and production. I blame that infamous Trader Joe's Blandification Committee.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Trader Joe's Ricotta & Spinach Tortelloni With Red Pesto

Unlike most such boasts, the "ready in 5 minutes" here is pretty close to true. Just peel back a corner of the lid and zap it for five minutes.

However, the result is a pretty uninteresting mess of filled pasta and diced veggies. It has been terribly thrashed by the Trader Joe's Blandification Committee.

I fixed this, and simultaneously added a lot of protein to the meal, by separately cooking some thin-sliced fake sausage (this one, which is one of the best you can buy) and adding it to the dish. That made it about 10 times better than it was on its own.


Will I buy it again? 

Yes. I think it's one that Nina would like, so I'll get it at least once more for a dinner with her--appropriately improved by the sausage, of course.

Trader Joe's Chicken Enchiladas Verde

There's a lot here: four enchiladas (though that's not obvious from simple inspection), and each legitimately large enough to be the centerpiece of a meal, as the suggested serving size correctly indicates. Being refrigerated, rather than frozen, they preserve a decent sense of being fresh. And they're super-easy to prepare, with just a couple of minutes in the microwave. I found a little more sogginess of the wrap than you'd get in a restaurant, but not intolerable.

However:

(1) They're really stuffed full of chicken. I realize that many, perhaps most, buyers will see this as a positive. I don't. My gradual decline in consumption of all meat products continues. Though I'm not opposed to a little chicken occasionally, I'm put off by having so much of it at once. (I felt the same way about the Chicken Breast Parmigiana.)

(2) They're too bland. They haven't had the flavor fully beaten out of them by the Trader Joe's Blandification Committe, but at least a couple of committee members took a whack or two.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Trader Joe's Authentic Mexican Style Handmade Vegetarian Tamales With Cheese And Green Salsa

Well. I've put off writing about these for a couple of weeks after finishing them off, because I'm not sure what to say.

I guess the first thing to note is that the cooking directions are confusing. One basic question they don't answer is whether one is supposed to remove the parchment paper that is wrapped around the corn husk. The first time, I didn't. The second time, I did. I couldn't tell much difference, except that more of the innards leaked out the second time.

I tried both the steaming and the microwave alternative directions simultaneously, as a scientific experiment. But then I stupidly got them mixed up on my plate, so I wasn't sure which was which. (Good thing I didn't try to become a scientist, eh?) Nina was with me, and she felt confident about her two, and had a definite preference for the steamed one.

The corn-flour shell comes out very soft and delicate, which I assume is what's intended. But overall they're just incredibly bland. It's been a good long time since I invoked the Trader Joe's Blandification Committee, but I must suspect that they had a hand here. There's cheese? Oh, OK, if you say so. There's green salsa? Well, sure--maybe. But really what I tasted most was corn.

Disappointing. Unsatisfying.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Trader Joe's Carrot & Pea Vegetable Patties

As is often the case for TJ's frozen food products, the box suggests two alternative ways of preparing the contents: fry in oil or heat in oven.

I've tried both with these patties, and neither yields a satisfying texture; they're mushy in the middle either way.

The taste is nothing to write home about, either. It's been a while since we've heard from the Trader Joe's Blandification Committee, but this item is proof that the committee has not been disbanded.

I tried them with mango-ginger chutney. I tried them with traditional hamburger fixings. Neither was a good match. Maybe hot sauce would help?

The patties are also quite a bit smaller than most things billed as "patties." You can slap one on a hamburger bun, but it ends up looking like the diminutive beef patty in that famous Wendy's "Where's the beef?" ad:

Just about any way you look at it, this product is a big fat fail.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Trader Joe's Beef Steak Burritos With Seasoned Beans

Terribly bland. Pieces of beef were tough. Even following the heating instructions carefully, the burrito shell comes out soggy in some places, dried out and hard in others.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Trader Joe's Chana Masala

This is Day Five of Indian Food Week: 


This is the second of three canned Indian sauces that Trader Joe's released several weeks ago.

It's acceptable, but dull. Its flavor is Indian, but toned way down to the point of lifelessness. I blame that damned Blandification Committee.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Trader Joe's Lentil Soup

I liked this, though mostly for an idiosyncratic reason. Most lentil soups go heavy on onions, and this one did not. They're still in there, but in low enough numbers that I could basically ignore them. That quality alone elevates it above most brands of canned lentil soup that I have tried.

Sadly, however, the Trader Joe's Blandification Committee got all up into this product. It could really use some zesting up. (But not with onions, obviously. Onions do not zest anything up. They ruin things.)


Will I buy it again? 

Probably, though rarely.

Nina's View.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Trader Joe's Minestrone Soup

This is unforgivably bland, with every last bit of decent flavor thrashed out of it by that evil Trader Joe's Blandification Committee. Not worth the space it will take up on your shelf, on your table, or in your stomach.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Trader Joe's Meatless Breakfast Patties

As I've said several times, I'm bound and determined to try every one of Trader Joe's fake meat products. And every time I think I've had them all, I stumble across another one.

This one is completely meh. The TJ's Blandification Committee thrashed it. The patties brown nicely, have a nice texture, and look like sausage. But they taste like grain. They're not awful, but much better versions of the same basic idea are available in most grocery stores, made by MorningStar, Boca, and others. Hey, Trader Joe's--how about adding some traditional sausage-like spices?


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Nina's View

As the official non-meat-eater of this team, I am always rooting for the success of this kind of product. Sadly, I must concur with Bob. These were just south of mediocre.

Trader Joe's Scalloped Potatoes With Quattro Formaggio

Scalloped potatoes with cheese. Not terrible, but completely boring. Nearly all flavor has been whipped out of this dish by the Trader Joe's Blandification Committee. (There's a residual hint of onion--yuck--but not so much that I had to reject it wholesale.) The cheese part could have been interesting, but the blend of four different cheeses means that no one flavor stands out, and instead you get just a generic cheesiness. Picking any one of the four and using it exclusively probably would have been a better choice.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Trader Joe's Chile Lime Chicken Burgers

This is a perennial best-seller at Trader Joe's, one of those products that people rave about and hope they never stop making. Because of that buzz, I was excited to finally try it.

I was severely disappointed. They're not bad chicken burgers, but they're nothing special. I have been able to taste nothing specifically "chile" about them, and definitely no lime. They do smell of onion while cooking, which for me is always an ominous sign, but fortunately no distinct onion flavor came through. Frankly, they were just completely boring--the work of the TJ's Blandification Committee, no doubt.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Trader Joe's Nacho Cheese Tortilla Chips

There's only one question to be answered about these chips: Are they as good as Nacho Cheese Doritos?

Sadly, no. They're not bad, but not as good. The Trader Joe's Blandification Committee got hold of some Nacho Cheese Doritos, and said, "We need something like this--but with a lot less flavor, obviously." Then they commissioned what you see here.

They're OK. I can munch on them happily--until my mind wanders to Nacho Cheese Doritos, which instantly makes me wish I were eating them instead.


Will I buy it again? 

Probably not. It's not like the gold standard for this genre is hard to find.

Trader Joe's 99% Fat Free Bean & Rice Burrito

The Trader Joe's Blandification Committee got hold of this product and beat it like a red-headed stepchild. When they were done, it was both 99% fat-free and 99% flavor-free.


Will I buy it again? 

Why would I want to do that?

Trader Joe's Natural Turkey Summer Sausage

This is the 12th new TJ's product in a row we've featured (if you don't count the insertion of the post about dried bananas as a prelude to the one about the new baby bananas). TJ's description of this item can be found here.

I used to eat summer sausage a lot when I was a teenager. Oscar Mayer brand, to be exact. That plus a slice of cheese made for one of my favorite easy sandwiches. But it's now been probably 30 years since I had any.

This, obviously, is more snack/cracker size than sandwich size. As for taste, it's not as peppery as I remember Oscar Mayer's being. In fact, I'd go so far as to say this is just too bland. It's probably that damn TJ's Blandification Committee at work again. It's not terrible by any means, but it's uninteresting.


Will I buy it again?

Though I've purchased a good number of TJ's products that have meat or poultry as one ingredient (soups, pot pies, and so on), I think this is the first time I've bought something there that is basically just meat. (Edit: On rereading, I realize that that's not quite true. The first time I went there when the store opened, I bought a pound of ground beef and a steak.) My shopping and eating habits have shifted so far from where they were seven years ago (when I started dating a vegetarian, and as a result started thinking a lot more about my diet) that it felt quite profoundly strange to put this in my basket, and even stranger to open and cut into it. Had it been the traditional pork-based summer sausage, I would have given it a pass, but I think poultry is less problematic than pork and beef in terms of health effects, environmental effects, and ethics, so I'm less stringent about cutting it out of my life than those items. Still, buying and eating a hunk of meat has become sufficiently uncomfortable for me that I wouldn't buy this again even if I loved it.

Trader Joe's Cauliflower Gratin

This is another in the line of ready-made side dishes that Trader Joe's rolls out for the holidays.

I can't recommend it. It's entirely edible, but disappointingly bland--apparently the latest victim of the Trader Joe's Blandification Committee. By some perverse bit of modern food science, they have manage to make both the cauliflower and the cheese sauce virtually tasteless. I would seriously prefer to eat just good cauliflower--plain--cooked for two minutes in the microwave oven.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Trader Joe's Really Expensive Authentic Handcrafted Chicken Burritos

Here we are at Day 6 of Mexican Week. 



I saw somebody on Twitter giggling about the funny name of this product. I wasn't sure whether to believe it at first. Even given Trader Joe's well-known penchant for quirky product names, would they actually put "really expensive" in the name of an item?

Yes. Yes, they would. I Googled the name, found this review, and knew that I had to try me some.

Let's first clear the air about that "really expensive" descriptor. They're not. This package of two (each one of which is plenty for a meal) costs $2.69.

Are they great? No. They're merely adequate. I heated them in the oven, which I'm sure gets better results than the microwave method. As a result, I got a nicely browned tortilla wrap with no sogginess, and even heating throughout. But they had had a working over by the Trader Joe's Blandification Committee. There's nothing to offend the taste buds, but nothing to excite them, either.

Will I buy it again? 

I won't rule it out altogether, but I'm not planning on it.

Trader Joe's Breakfast Burritos

This post begins a whole week of reviews of Trader Joe's Mexican food. 


First let me address the heating directions. I found once again that TJ's significantly understates the oven time needed. They say 10 minutes unwrapped, then 15-20 minutes wrapped in foil, all at 450 degrees. But that leaves these things just barely above room temperature in the middle. For my second one, I went 25 minutes in the foil, and that got it to warm. But they should be piping hot. If I were going to try again, I'd go for 30 minutes.

However, I'm never going to get the opportunity, because this product will never inhabit my kitchen again. Why? Blame it on the Blandification Committee. They finished their usual process, then hired some temp workers and had them work overtime on further blandification, trying to see just how far they could go down the road of utter lack of flavor in a food product.

But don't take my word for it. Here's how it was expressed by the "What's Good at Trader Joe's" blog four years ago:

Really, Trader Joe's? Really? C'mon. I'm just going to go ahead and say skip these and stick to whatever kind of breakfast burrito you can buy off the roach coach that pulls up to your office parking lot in the morning. It might not be healthy, but I can virtually guarantee it'll have more flavor. Sonia immediately proclaimed "These taste like cardboard." That says it all. They do. I'm not sure what process can prevent the natural flavors of eggs, potatoes, turkey bacon, and cheese from coming through at all, but TJ's has apparently discovered one. Honestly, to call these "bland" would be a gross understatement. I slathered my burrito with Cholula hot sauce and was able to finish it. Sonia finished hers, too, but only because she really doesn't like to waste food.

Or consider the similar assessment from the "Club Trader Joe's" blog, also from 2011:

I really like the idea of breakfast burritos! I really, really wanted to like these, but here again is another example where TJ’s goes a little overboard on the healthy food kick. These include “nitrite free turkey bacon”. OK, this stuff had no flavor what so ever. I couldn’t taste any bacon flavor at all! Then comes the lite shredded cheese. Again, no flavor. I couldn’t really tell there was cheese in it at all. Really all I tasted was some eggs and potatoes. I had to put a bunch of salt and pepper on them and then dip the burrito in some Trader Joe’s Salsa!

These people speak truth. It should not be possible to take a tortilla, eggs, potatoes, Jack cheese, and turkey bacon, and have the result taste like...nothing. But TJ's has done exactly that. OK, to be fair, I can taste a little potato and a bit of scrambled egg. But I never once noticed any cheesiness nor a bit of bacony anything in two of these bad boys.

It's a completely pointless, meritless product, worthy of a dishonorable mention in my Bottom Ten list.

Incidentally, if you ever want to taste the best breakfast burrito on the planet, try Hurricane's next time you're in Albuquerque, New Mexico, and ask for the "Breakfast Disaster Burrito." Trust me on this.

Will I buy it again? 

No. It's a disaster, and not in the nice Hurricane's way.