Trader Joe's Pesto Gouda Cheese

Did.

Not.

Like.

Not even one little bit. The flavor was all pesto, no gouda. Which was, y'know, no gooda.

The texture is unbelievably rubbery. You could use wedges of this to caulk your bathtub.

The only worse cheese I've had from Trader Joe's has been the Mozzarella Cheese Sticks--but this is close to that bad. It's bad enough that it's joining my Bottom Ten list.

Will I buy it again? 

Not if it were the last cheese on earth.

Nina's View

Yeah, this isn't great. I thought I'd had it before, but I'm wondering whether it was SOME OTHER pesto cheese, because I liked (whatever it was) then. 

I'm also gradually coming to the conclusion that I just generally don't care much for gouda. Life is too short to inflict an untasty cheese upon oneself.

That said, I'm really moving away from dairy products—so bidding farewell to gouda isn't much of a hardship. (If you're going to inflict pain and suffering on a cow for your eating pleasure, it should at the very least be a real pleasure, not something you unthinkingly cram down your gullet.)

Trader Joe's Mahi Mahi Burgers

Nina bought these and served them for a dinner at her house. They're pretty good--speaking as one who doesn't generally like fish. Good texture: neither tough nor crumbly. Not too fishy.


Will I buy it again? 

It's not something I would ever buy for myself, because I wouldn't ever choose it over several fake-meat burgers that we've found are excellent. But I wouldn't object to having it again when served to me.

Nina's View

I just had another one of these on a kaiser bun for dinner and enjoyed it thoroughly, again. The texture of these is much better than either the tuna or salmon versions of the same thing. Don't ask me why, but they're less sort of 'spongy.'

Quick to prepare and tasty to eat. What's not to like?

Trader Joe's Handsome Cut Potato Fries

These are pretty good fries--good potato flavor, good texture. Also a good bargain, at just $1.99.

As with most Trader Joe's frozen-to-oven products, the cook time is meaningfully underestimated. It says 17 minutes at 425 degrees. That wasn't enough the first time I tried them, so the second time I pushed it to 24, and that was about right (though a couple of the tiniest fries were burned past the point of edibility).


Will I buy it again? 

Yep.

Nina's View

I liked these well enough. The flavor was good, but the texture was a bit leathery and chewy, rather than crunchy and toothsome. I wonder whether they had thawed and been refrozen. They are certainly worth revisiting.

Trader Joe's Sprouted Organic California Rice

Sprouted rice has more amino acids than regular rice, and cooks up faster, too--or so claims Trader Joe's. I'm a bit dubious of the first claim: where do those amino acids come from, when the "sprouting" appears to be such a small amount that there is no shoot or root extended into soil?

I also can't verify the second claim. I usually follow cooking directions as precisely as I can when testing an item for the first time. I didn't do that here; I just dumped the stuff in my rice cooker as I would with any other rice. The machine doesn't know what kind of rice is in it, and just cooks until the pre-set amount of water has boiled off.

It turned out fine. It maybe could have used a little more cook time, as it was definitely al dente rather than truly soft. But neither Nina nor I minded the texture. It was definitely chewier and denser than plain white rice, or even plain brown rice. Nothing wrong with that.

It also has a more distinct flavor--more nutty and grainy. But I can't say that I liked it more than other kinds of rice. Different, but not better.


Will I buy it again? 

Probably not. At $2.99 for one pound, it's quite a bit more expensive than other rice, and I don't see enough advantage to pay that much extra. For comparison, TJ's has provided this handy guide to its rice varieties and their respective prices.

Nina's View

I liked this a lot. The chewiness and nuttiness were appealing. I like the color variation. It would work very nicely in a cold summer salad, maybe with beans and lentils and bell peppers and other goodies.

Try it.

Trader Joe's Soy Slices Cheese Alternative--Cheddar Flavor

A while back, Nina and I reviewed a TJ's product with the same name as this one, but different packaging. I don't know for sure whether TJ's just changed the label, or actually changed the product composition--but I suspect the latter, for two reasons.

1. The new one says "99% lactose free," and the previous version didn't. I suspect they reformulated it to have even less dairy content than before, in order to appease both the lactose-intolerant and the impure vegans willing to make tiny compromises.

2. I described the former version as "a reasonably convincing fake cheese." For this one, wild horses could not drag those words out of my mouth.

If somebody blindfolded you, put a piece of this stuff in your mouth, and asked you to identify it, your response would be, "Limp, oily, thinly sliced cardboard." When, to your surprise, you were told that that was wrong, and you should think of a food product, you would express disbelief. You would then start guessing at random, hoping to end this stupid game. But you would get through, oh, maybe 100 food categories before desperation provoked you to guess "cheese." BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING EVEN VAGUELY CHEESE-LIKE ABOUT THIS CRAP.


Will I buy it again? 

No. It went back to the store for a refund. I'm adding it to my Bottom Ten list. Truly awful.


Nina's View

This stuff literally has no flavor. And when I say "literally," I mean LITERALLY literally, not metaphorically or emphatically literally. NO FLAVOR. None. It does not even taste of cardboard. There's a little salt, maybe. And some oiliness.

The notion that this bears any resemblance to cheddar is beyond absurd.

Seriously, TJ, get a grip.

Pub Cheese

A few weeks ago, one of the feature articles about Trader Joe's that came across the transom was about what products some chefs routinely buy there. One of them mentioned "pub cheese." I had never heard of that and had no idea what he was talking about, but it sounded like something I needed to explore.

It wasn't hard to find, once I started poking around the cheese section. In fact, there are three different varieties. Only two are shown above, because the third is cheddar with horseradish, which I'm confident I wouldn't like, so I'm not wasting my money on it.

Notice that these are not, in fact, "Trader Joe's Pub Cheese." Oddly, there is no brand at all on them. The side of the tub does list a distributor--not Trader Joe's--but no manufacturer is named anywhere. But this should be a TJ's-branded product. It's certainly good enough.

In fact, it's really great stuff. It is non-stop-edible. If you're not paying attention and have a large enough supply of crackers or whatever else you're pairing this with, half a tub will be gone before you even notice, and your diet will be about 8 billion calories off-course.

I kind of arbitrarily picked TJ's Honey Wheat Pretzels as the first thing with which to scoop up gobs of this cheese, and it was a fortuitous match. They're absolutely delectable together. On my next trip to TJ's, I bought another container of each just so I could have at it again. I could seriously eat this cheese on those pretzels all day long.

I tried the same thing with the jalapeno cheddar version, and didn't like it nearly as much. Not terrible, but I just didn't find the cheese-jalapeno combination pleasing. I don't think I would ever pick it over the plain original.


Will I buy it again? 

Oh, yes. It's already an all-time snacking favorite. I've flirted with the idea of adding it to my Top Ten list. It's a close call, but at least for now I'm ruling it to be just a hair short of that level of magnifiosity--but it's damn good, and highly addictive.


Update 

A strange thing happened. I blasted through two tubs of the plain in addition to the one of jalapeno, and loved them. But then I took some time off from them before buying a third tub--and I suddenly didn't like it as much. That half-eaten third tub has been sitting in my fridge for, I dunno, maybe a month now. I see it often when I'm in snack-hunting mode, but keep passing it over for several other things. I don't think there's anything different about this tub; it doesn't taste off or anything. I think I just kind of used up my interest in the product, which is not a common occurrence.

Apologies for the lack of a convincing explanation--I don't have one, but can only report my experience.


Nina's View

These are not a high-end item for the discerning palate. They are salty, fatty, snacking crack-bombs. If you like cheese products, you'll probably like them as a guilty pleasure.

Trader Joe's French Market Sparkling Limeade

This is the fourth and last of this product line that we've tried.

I didn't much like this on first taste, but I warmed up to it. By the time I finished off the bottle a few days later, I had concluded that it was the best of the bunch. Why the initial dislike? It's hard to be sure, but I suspect it was a combination of (1) the spicy food I was eating at the same time, and (2) an unfortunate memory remnant from my childhood, in which I ate a lot more "lime"-flavored things (like Popsicles and Jello) than actual limes, leaving me with a badly warped idea of what limes are supposed to taste like.

But, as I said, my impression of this drink became progressively more favorable with each subsequent sampling. My final opinion was that it was more faithful to its source fruit than any of its shelfmates. Moreover, though I didn't compare actual sugar quantities by the labels, it tasted less sweetened than the others.


Will I buy it again? 

Yes. Of the four, this is the one I'm most keen to have in my fridge for a repeat try.

Nina's View

Highly drinkable, without the metallic edge many lime-flavored items unfortunately have. Recommended.

Trader Joe's Apple Blossoms

In all my trips down the Trader Joe's frozen-food aisle, I had never noticed these. Nina found them and baked them up for dessert one day recently. I thought maybe they were new, but a look around the web tells me they've been sold since at least 2008. I don't know how I missed them.

Anyway, they're excellent. Strong apple flavor, nice sauce, and one of the best textures of frozen pastry I can remember ever having. They're just right on every count, if you ask me. (And I guess that by reading this blog, you sorta did.)


Will I buy it again? 

Definitely. It's a solid winner.

Nina's View

Little mini apple pielets. Good choice of apples, lovely pastry. What's not to like? Go get you some.

Trader Joe's 12 Mini Mint Ice Cream Mouthfuls

There's nothing complicated to explain about them; you can tell exactly what they are from the name and picture. Which means that you can already tell whether you will like them. Which means that you don't need any more from me on it.

Well, OK, one more thing: I loved them.


Will I buy it again? 

Yes.

Nina's View

I bought these as a dessert for Bob, who was having dinner at my place. This was a pretty straightforward process of deduction: Bob likes chocolate, Bob likes ice cream, Bob likes mint, Bob likes Oreos. Bob will like these.

And he did.

I, however, did not. None of the flavors were distinct or special. The cookies were soggy, the mint uninspired, the ice cream grainy. Feh.

Trader Joe's Simply Seasoned Tuna Burgers

I liked these much better than the Premium Salmon Burgers, and even a little better than the Salmon & Vegetable Croquettes. But that's probably just because I have a general preference for tuna over salmon.

When Nina wasn't around to express what would likely have been her severe disapproval, I went full-burger on one of these--pickles, ketchup, and cheese on top. It was kind of weird. They were better the first way I did them, when Nina was here: Just pickles on a bun. (She also added mayo to hers.)


Will I buy it again? 

No--not because they're bad, but because, to use an expression in its least-literal sense, they're neither fish nor fowl. If I'm feeling like having a hamburger kind of thing, I would prefer any of the fine, reasonably convincing meat-substitute patties available from just about any grocery store other than Trader Joe's. If I'm feeling like having tuna, I would rather have either a tuna salad sandwich or a favorite from my mother's old recipes, creamed tuna on toast. TJ's tuna burgers just don't have a place in my life.

Nina's View

Oh no, another weirdly spongy fish burger. I don't know how these things are constituted, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. Just don't expect an actual hunk of un-messed-with tuna.

In brief: do not like (although I will concur that they are better than the salmon burgers). But they are not even close to the fabulosity that is the Salmon & Vegetable Croquettes.

Trader Joe's Carrot Juice and Organic Carrot Juice

Depicted are the 16-ounce bottles. The same products also come in 32-ounce bottles.

Nina and I tried these side by side. I could taste no meaningful difference between them. Both were perfectly fine examples of carrot juice, but nothing that got me excited. Carrot juice seems to me better suited to blending than drinking on its own.

When we have tried both regular and organic versions of TJ's products, including things like orange juice, we have noticed a trend toward the organic versions tasting better, though not always. I swear that this is not because of a bias in favor of organics generally. It's a finding that has surprised me every time, because I don't expect organic products to taste any better than non-organic ones.

This was an example of my expectation being fulfilled. The organic version costs a dollar more ($2.99 versus $1.99), but has no corresponding advantage in the product itself. If you like your extra dollar going to support organic farmers, knock yourself out--but don't expect better-tasting juice for it, in this case. The organic version was a little bit brighter orange, but that's more likely to be batch-to-batch variation than a consistent product difference.


Will I buy it again? 

No.


Nina’s View

It’s odd what people focus on. I didn’t see any difference at all in color, but I did notice a meaningful difference in taste. The organic was a more complicated flavor, with a significant bitter-carrot note. The non-organic was just a mono-flavor, bland and relatively sweet. I found it more drinkable but less interesting.

I’m pretty persuaded as well that the results might be completely different from batch to batch of carrots.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Covered Pomegranate Seeds

Love these. They're little bursts of goodness, with a perfect ratio of chocolate to pomegranate. They're so tiny that you can eat a bunch, and you've only made a small dent in the package.

However.

It appears that I bought one of the very last tubs. Soon after my purchase, I learned that they had been discontinued. So if you haven't tried them already, I'm afraid you're out of luck.

On the other hand, sometimes Trader Joe's brings products back from the dead, so ya never can tell for sure.


Will I buy it again? 

It's not up to me. Your move, Trader Joe's.

Nina's View

Discontinued for a very good reason: annoying seeds and not enough pomegranate flavor. Good riddance.

Trader Joe's Big & Chunky Applesauce

I think, but can't be completely sure, that this is the last variety of Trader Joe's applesauce that we have not yet reviewed in these pages.

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to say that we had saved the best for last? Alas, it is not to be. For this stuff is--well, vile is probably too strong. But unpleasant is not.

That it contains large apple chunks is not a detriment. That the non-chunky part is actually slimy is a detriment. So is the fact that the product tastes only mildly of apples. These two conditions likely result from the manufacturer (1) adding water, and (2) artificially sweetening it with apple juice concentrate and white grape concentrate.

There is no excuse for this. Trader Joe's certainly knows how to make (or buy) good applesauce; it is the purveyor of two of the finest examples of the genre to be found on American store shelves. Why they thought this sweetened, watered-down bilge would be a hit with the same customers that like the good, pure stuff is a mystery to me.

The only compliment I can pay it is that it's not as bad as the Apple Banana Fruit Sauce Crushers. But that is the very definition of damning with faint praise.


Will I buy it again? 

Begone with your silly questions.


Nina's View

No. No no no no. Just NO.

Vile is not too strong. Worst. Texture. Ever. in an applesauce.

Banished to my Bottom Ten.

Trader Joe's Sparkling Blueberry Flavored Juice Blend

Despite the suspicious weasel words in the product name ("flavored" and "blend" raise my eyebrows in deep skepticism), this is actually delicious. It's easily the most successful of this line that we've tried--better than the apple, better than the pomegranate. The blueberry is front and center, as it should be, though one can definitely notice the supporting roles of the grape and apple juices. Nina and I usually have just a few ounces of juice each during our weekly dinners here, but we polished off this bottle before we were even halfway through the meal.


Will I buy it again? 

Yes.

Nina's View

Yeah, it's a teensy-eensy bit too sweet. Sue me.

But it actually tastes of blueberry. It is guzzleable. (What? That's a word. Now, anyway.)

I didn't expect to like it and did. Go drink some, it is Nina Approved.

Trader Joe's Roasted Sweet Potato Wedges

Ugh. At least by the microwave method of heating, these came out with an unpleasant texture--tough on the outside and chewy inside. The taste was of mediocre sweet potatoes, but nothing "roasted" about them (except for the conspicuous char marks).

I ate a few and tossed the rest of the package. It would have gone back to the store for a refund, but I had gotten the outside of the bag kind of slimy in the process of opening and pouring, and I just didn't want to mess with it anymore.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Nina's View

C'mon people. You can get perfectly delicious sweet potatoes by throwing whole ones in the microwave (after poking a few holes in them with a fork). If you buy pre-cooked sweet potatoes, the karmic price you pay is these unpleasant nuggets.

Velamints Blood Orange Sugar Free Mints

This is Day Six of New Products Week. 


The word "mints" here is apparently used to designate small, hard candies, not necessarily candies with mint in them. At least I could detect none. The flavor seems to be all blood orange. It's really good--distinct and readily identifiable.

I'm not sure these will do much for bad breath, but just for something to suck on to get a little simulacrum of blood orange (not that that's something you ever realized you needed), these are perfect.


Will I buy it again? 

Yes.

Nina's View

I really like these. They are delicious. I looked for them last time at TJ's and couldn't find them and was disappointed.

Trader Joe's Green Tahini Dip & Sauce

Nina picked this up; I had not noticed it.

I thought it was OK, but not nearly as good as hummus, and I didn't even like it as much as Trader Joe's regular tahini sauce (tried but still awaiting review). The dill is by far the most prominent component here, so the sensation is sort of like eating pickle-flavored hummus. A little odd, not terrible, but doesn't trigger any craving for more.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Nina's View

I like this stuff a lot, and have already bought a second tub of it.

It starts out with a big hit of dill, but as you eat it the dill fades and all sorts of other nice green things come forward. It's great on TJ's garlic naan, or as a condiment with eggs. My guess is, it would actually make a decent pesto sauce on pasta (perhaps with a little doctoring).

Trader Joe's Bollywood Popcorn

I've been neglecting to write about a bunch of new items that Trader Joe's has released lately, so it's time for another New Products Week. 


I want to know who at Trader Joe's sits around and thinks up these things. Because they're certifiably insane--but also maybe a genius.

This is a crazy mashup, but it works. At least it works for a little while. I liked the flavoring, and it absolutely did call to mind the tikka masala flavor I've come to expect from the various TJ's frozen tikka masala products.

However, it was a little heavy-handed on the spiciness. After two handfuls, I had had enough. There's a weird sort of cumulative effect, so the burn seems to keep building, and I had to call it quits.


Will I buy it again? 

No. But if they reformulated it with maybe two-thirds the amount of seasoning, it could become a favorite.

For a different view, see the review from the "What's Good at Trader Joe's" blog, where this item received a rare perfect 10/10 score.

Nina's View

NOM. Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.

Yes, I basically ate the whole bag. And then I came back the next time and finished off the crumbs.

Delicious.

I do not concur on Bob's description of cumulative spiciness. I find the heat level just right.

I wish I had some right now.

Trader Joe's Goat Cheese & Sundried Tomato Ravioli

Good stuff--but why wouldn't it be? How can you go wrong when you combine pasta, cheese, and tomatoes?

That's it. I'm out of things to say about this, because the name of the product accurately tells you what to expect.


Will I buy it again? 

Yes. I think it's my favorite of all the TJ's ravioli products I've tried.

Nina's View

Delicious. Alas, it falls into the category of Never Buy for me because: dead baby boy goats and sad goat-mommies.

Trader Joe's Chocolate Covered Sea Salt Butterscotch Caramels

Nina ate one of these before I did, and predicted that I would not like them. She was right--at least at first. The combination of a bit of bitterness in the dark chocolate, the salt, and the butterscotch I found initially off-putting.

But I returned to them the next night, and found that I was warming up to them. In fact, I ate about 10 of them. They're never going to be a favorite, but I expanded the sphere of what I can like in a candy a teensy little bit with these unusual morsels.


Will I buy it again? 

No.

Nina's View

Yeah, these are good. They are super-sweet, super-rich, and salty. They call out for binge-eating, but the richness puts a stop to that after a handful. I will never buy them because: thighs.